What is a Heterosexual and How Not to Be One
72
Fer starters, this feller what's been personating me done tried to playge your eyes against my article what he stole from the Down Home Gazette. Reckon he figured he could sneak it on the Internet and us hicks wouldn't ketch on to his stealin' ways. But I found ya, mister, and I reckon you know right who I is talkin' to. Rest of y'all just check that there link then tell me if'n it don't look like he done just run'oft with my story and stuck it on up the Internet afore I did. Why, he even abskondid with my photograph, the side-windin' varmit.
This here ter foller is my original article what he done stole:
Randum Ramblings frum the Ozarks
The term heterosexual wuz made up by some idjut what never been lonely in a swamp. This feller what made that word ain't never spent four years slappin skeeters off'n his neck all lonesome like and starin' at a coon dog curled up on a mat lickin' hisself ever night afore the fire, just lappin' away at hisself, happy as, well, happy as a coon dog lickin' hisself on a mat afore the fire. That feller what came up with that word weren't qualerfied fer to be makin' rules fer the rest of us.
That ole Wikkerpedia on the Internet defines the term as "Heterosexuality refers to sexual behavior with or attraction to people of the opposite sex" and even rambles on ter say, "The term is usually applied to human beings, but it is also observed in all mammals." Yer know, weren't no skin off'in my hide ter say it, but I reckon what scorched my back hair was how them fellers what wrote that make it sound like them two idears don't hook tergether like. It's that there "usually applies ter human bein's" thing done poked up agin that "but it is also fer critters too." See, they used that there "but" liken it's one er't t'other. I tell ya, that there comment gots folks roun' here mighty riled up.
If'n ya read that real close like, yer gonna see what they tryin' ter say, like, tryin' ter tell a feller what kinder critters is ok ter keep hisself warm at night, if'n you know what I'mma tryin' ter say.
Ways ter check if’n you are a Heterosexual
--If'n you and yer wife are always late because one of you is a gettin' dressed, well... then yer probably a heterosexual ‘cause you done got yerself a wife to begin. Which is fine, mind you. I ain't saying not ter. Them women folk is right fine ter set an eye on if'n you can fine' one willing to let yer get up close an' all. Most of em is might fussy by my reckoning though, usually run a feller right off if'n he even try ter take a smell o' her hair or something when he standin' in a line at the market or a headin' inta church. I mean, not like I weren't sniffin' in there polite like, weren't all snortin' like a ruttin' hog, mind yer. She was just all high and mighty on herself. I reckon I just hate them uppity women most times. I can tell ya, my old houn' dog don't never take offense when I up and give him a snort between the ears or in some of them other places he likes so well.
--If'n you ever said to yer pal, Bubba, "Does these here surspenders make me look fat?" well, then you ain't no heterosexual and you can rest assured this here hub ain't a targetin' you.
--If you get rid of yer horseshoe pit ter put in a lily pond, you is dang neer stupid as dirt and it ain't got nothin' to do with yer sexuality. Special if you live in a goddamn swamp. What the hell kinder mow-ron tries ter make a lily pond in the bayou. Feller like that needs ter git his head looked at by one of them gynercologists or whatnot. Takin' out a horseshoe pit. Sheeaww, what kinder stupid shi....
--If'n you ever threw out a perfectly good carpet because it had more bugs in it than was infestin' the drapes, you is one wasteful dipstick from way back when. You know you ain't never gonna go git anothern, so what was you thinkin'? I hope yer dog is purty.
Ever Go Into Victoria's Secret?
--Now, if'n you ever git to a city and find yerself in Victoria's Secret chewin' on the merchandise and get tossed out of there cause them city folk are wound up tighter than a gnat's ass stretched over a rain barrel, well, yer either heterosexual or some other kinda sexual and ya just got picked on by city folk that weren't got no sense of eroticifcation. Them folks don't know flirtin' from burning ticks off a hound dog's scrote.
So now you kinder know what a heterosexual looks like. If'n it turned out yer think you might be heterosexual, here's a way ter find out if'n it's uncurable or not fer you. How Heterosexual are You?
The Important Poll
What would you rather drink?
See results without votingWhose music would you rather listen to?
See results without votingNot counting rag-wraps, when wuz the last time you had on a pair of shoes?
See results without votingWhich show would yer rather see
See results without votingYou’re exhausted from a hard day a chasin’ copper heads and knockin’ possums outta trees. Your wife asks you to make love, do you…?
See results without votingYou’re exhausted from a hard day a chasin’ copper heads and knockin’ possums outta trees. Jessica Alba asks you to make love, do you…?
See results without votingThis here is "Jessica Alber"
Are you one of them gay fellers? (Not what there’s anything wrong with it, mind yer.)
See results without votingDo yer friends think yer gay?
See results without votingAre you heterosexual? (Not what there’s anything wrong with that either, I’m just askin’)
See results without votingIn the Outhouse
Nowhere else does a man's heterosexuality show but in the outhouse. If'n he gots hisself a wife, I can guarantee there's some ragged nasty stuff floatin' down in there sometimes weren't never come from no man. Specially once ever full moon or so, give or take a week or three. Right nasty and gits all the dogs a barkin' and acting crazy all the time. Sometime even them seagulls come up from the gulf and set right atop it and act like they is lookin' for some fish. Don't know what that's all about, but I'm purt' near sure ain't no fish in there.
This here looks like a right friendly game.
Get With the Program
If you know you is a heterosexual, get with the program. Everbody knows weren't enough women inna swamp to pull that off, so just git over yerself. If'n your pappy ‘n brother's wont share, well, get you a hound dog. And tell them fellers at Wickerpedia to git their definition straight.
Anyway, I reckon if you spend any time lookin' at my article here and that article this here thievin' feller playge your eyes'ed off'n me, you'll see were clear my version came first. I hope some kinder authority figure here at HubPages can't take appropriate action on that feller. Fer the rest of yer, have a nice day.
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I theenk I will stay out of the swamps and find a safer place to leek myself.
Shades-
Damn straight I have a interesting argument. He straight stole.
Nacho Dog-
You'd be right pop'lar, Nacho. Feller could pack you round in a pocket when he was out campin' or climbin' trees. Kinder a porta-pal sorta thing.
I didn't think I could laugh any more. I just said so about 30 minutes ago on another hub (that's how long it took me to read this due to laughing), but I was wrong. I think I can honestly say I've never laughed harder in my life. It's comparable to the time I saw Eddie Murphy, when he was young and starting out, do stand up in a tiny N.Y. club for three hours straight. Seriously. I think I've injured myself. Anyway, I think this hub is great and I hope more people come to see it...fast. Before it gets kicked off for spelling or something.
Just when I think you can't possibly come up with anything else, you top yourself. Well done. Beyond that...I am speechless. Somebody earlier called your bio brilliant. I didn't think so. This, on the other hand, is.
The funniest part is that, if you move the screen up and down real fast, you can make your finger move in and out of your nose. lol
(Thanks. I think our humors bounce off each other nicely. I'm glad you showed up.)
You can kinda make me pick my nose! That's awesome!
I reckon a feller like you picks yer nose like you pick off a man's article and puts it up inna Internet. I'm on'ter you, mister.
I told you Kristoff that your evil twin brother would rip us off. Now get back to the still and stir that Moonshine! And stop pickin' your nose I saw what you were doing with that finger a few minutes ago!!!
Brilliant, I can see now that Christoph Reilly did steal your article :)
I just love hubpages, the nuts around here are just beyond anyones expectation. I had a really good laugh which was just what I needed.
Thanks guys regards Zsuzsy
Sheer brilliant lunacy! I'm reading this at work in between jobs, and I keep getting dirty looks for giggling! Christoph Rielly, are you any relation to Christoph Really? (Oh, no! I think there's a cloning factory out there in that deep South swamp. Could explain the lack of females!)
You certainly do have a way with words. I can't wait to see what other hubs have been stolen from you.
Christoph, I was the one that said the other Christoph's bio was brilliant, but your right, this is brilliant, Christoph1 and Christoph2, your both brilliant. Hope you got that staright as to who you are because I am confused.
Woah, nelly, bring me mah shot gun what I can shoot that horny varmint. What the hell kinder critter gots rabbit ears and antlers. Dark times is upon us, I can tell yer that. The apokoh-lips a'cummin.
An' uh, hey there Miss Misty, Miss Zsuzy, Miss Amanda and, er, Miss Gwendy. Ya'll is lookin' might fine this evenin'. I don't reckon you ladies is ever up inna swamps is yer? Cause, yer know, if'n you was roun here, I reckon we could russle up some grits and possum pie and put on purt near a feastful spread upon your favors, as it were. I could interduce you to pa and some ut the other fellers from round here. I reckon they'd even clean up some fer ya, might even comb the ticks out their beards.
Just wait until you see our batalope babies!
Christoph, I don't really like to hang out in swamps but that was a really nice offer and to comb the ticks from those beards just puts the cherry on the cake, but I am afraid I just can't commit to such an event.
What the heck are batalopes? Bats with rabbit heads and antlers? lol
Well, Miss Gwendy, cain't say as I blame you none. I didn't reckon my chances o' gittin you here was any better'n my chance ter find me a chicken with lips, but yer cain't blame a feller fer tryin'.
Batalopes?
I'm laughing so hard at this Hub, because I cannot pronounce any of them thar words. Is a batalope a flying cantalope with bat wings ... or just a melon with a batwing cape?
Batalopes are the offspring of me, a vampire, and B.T. as you all know a jackalope. I think they will be pretty darn cute!
This is full of vile and false allegations which impugn me and my character! Plus, there are many indescrepancies in your hub which expose you as a charlatan! You say you live in the Ozarks, in the deep South, and in the bayou! The Ozarks are NOT in the deep South, nor does the Ozarks contain a Bayou! You have been found out, Sir! Cease and desist!
You Ned Beatty, squeal like a pig'n, cousin-humpin', dog ball-lickin', knothole-masterbatin', son of a pole cat!
Now you listen ter me, you walleye'd sack o' pig snot, don't come up in here with'n your facts n figures all wavin' in the air. Yer alligator mouth done gonna overloaded yer canary ass this time, feller, bein' as you ain't reckonin' on a fact we move around alot down in here. My house floats an my pa' got him one of them mo-bile homes. I reckon a fancy pants, picture stealin' hub-rustler like you weren't sharp enough to count on that, no sir.
And Miss Gwendy, that article you done wrote about them thar vampires a luvin' one another up 'nough ter change ter a bat in a name of love reminded me o' the time my brother Clem done met up with his bee-loved Clementine. She turnt to him an' said, "Clem, you reckon love me 'nough ter let me change yer into something you ain't?"
Ole Clem, he said, "Sure Clementine, what is you got ter change me ter?"
She says to him, she says, "Well Clem, I reckon I gots them herpes simplex four and five, maybe twert some othern numbers in 'ere too. "
Ole Clem he weren't too sure on all that, so he says, "What?"
Well, Clementine, she 'splained like so, "Clem, see, if'n you really loves me, see, I figure you weren't of a mind ter turn me down, even if'n I'mma give you these here simplexes for life. I just need ter know if'n you loves me like 'at there?"
Well, ole Clem he's the right romantic type, so he done tole' her, "Heck, Clementine, I got stuff worse'n that anyhow, you go on ahead and bring what ever you got along wit' ya when you come."
Ain't that jus' the sweetest story you ever hear't? Yer story made me think just like it. Thanks for sharin' that on here.
Ickkkkk! I guess I will have to pass on the invitation Mr Rielly, ticks just don't do it for me, havin' been a vet's nurse 'n' all!
So it's on is it? - "My house floats an my pa' got him one of them mo-bile homes. I reckon a fancy pants, picture stealin' hub-rustler like you weren't sharp enough to count on that, no sir" - Christoph Reilly is agunna meet up with Christoph Reilly - pens at fur - no I mean four paces? bring ya dawg - all ticks off !
*snorts and falls over laughing*
"Hub-rustler"!!!! Hahahahahahaha!
Mr. Rielly, What may I ask are you insinuating?
Ain't me was in sin, twert Clem and his fee-ancy, Clementine. They married now, so weren't in sin a'tal now.
Shucks, I cu'd do me a turk'y 'nd a mule all 't once giv'n the oppo'tunity :)
Well now, a mule is a darn good companion all in all, an' all yer needs a bucket ter stand on if'n yer a feller like or a tree fer leanin' fer a lady like yerself. Plus, best thing fer me is ain't no danger of gittin one with chile, neither 'caus'n they cain't throw foals. But I reckon woo'in' a gobbler gone be tougher than snortin' a gater through a straw, what with all that peckin' and scratchin' and wings a flappin' swamp water in yer face. Up side of success, though, be you can stuff a piller and grub up nice when yer finally finished up.
What a nice invite... Mister Rielly... Comb the ticks out of their beards---man-oh-man that sound like quite an honor. Just one question before I commit to a visit...
These friends of yours, what are their family trees like? Do they go straight up or do they actually have a little branch here and there? No insult meant... just an honest inquiry, as I'm known around here to be quite nosey...
I' va 'heard mules are darn g'd companions, and hung r'lly well!
Hey seriously, there was a guy here locally called 'Leeroy Le Gallez' who was done for molesting a horse repeatedly. He went to jail for approx a couple of months, but when he was let out he was caught molesting the same horse, (which actually was traumatised apparently).
@gwendymon - Then they'll have built-in batwing capes, I assume. :)
Misty: That guy didn't have any horse sense, and neither does this moonshiner. He's got nonsense, but no horse sense. Doesn't have the brains God gave a stick.
Miss Zsuszy, the family tree is straight as a fiddle bow, but can tell yer these old boys play in a mean jug band. Come on down. I tell ya, I stir up a possum gravy that'll make ya cry.
Well, Mister Imposter, I don't reckon a stick needs no brains anyhow, so way I figure it, God given brains ter a stick'd be fair on mo-ronic. Bein' as the Lord ain't mo-ronic, seems like yer supposin' he goes on handin' em out to a stick shines a light inter yer skull instead. Least way's I figure it.
Misty, I can't decide if I'm disgusted at your story about Leroy or impressed with the fact that he was, erm, equipped to such a degree as to give trauma to an animal so, how do I say this, to an aminal with such decidely large orifices, as it were.
Strange google ad on this page. "Sporty Gay Singles" I thought an ad for a "Vet" might be more appropriate? Keep it up guys of guy?
Ha! I don't know if you'll be able to see this, you backwoods bum-banger, but there's a google ad below that says, "Are you gay? Take this quiz and find out if you are secretly gay." Well, you just tell them you don't need any quiz and it ain't no secret!
lol... I thought we had our own poll going here anyway.
Nup gone back to Indian Girls! Ah well!! never mind?
(Did someone just step out of character! or have I been asleep and lost the plot?)
Ooooh Ag...you just better hope that a certain hubber doesn't see THAT! :)
Who? Me? I don't exacly get it, so no problem here.
Hey I'm supposed to be out mowing the lawn, now who's submissive (sorry wrong hub) I was just making an observation about the incongruity of the ads thats all!
yes patty, they will have built in bat capes, well actually I am ot sure about that. I have never created a batalope. This could be science and procraetion gone very wrong.
Ag - Don't make me get the whips and chains out again....
I've just read your touching tale about your brother Clem and his girl. Love conquers all, don't it!
@gwendymon -- like Plan 9 from Outer Space?
Well me 'n a boys, after hearin' bout all these vampeer bats what's a commin' roun since I done met you city folk and yer strange vampeer'in ways, we been pourin' through the old recipes and foun' fourteen ways ter cook us up a batalope. We got Batalope Stew, Bat-kabobs and Pappy's own personal concockshun call't Bat-Caroni and Cheese up at the top of the lis', and we cain't wait fer the first flock o' them varmints to come a flyin' this way.
And, us, Miss Sprtye, I reckon you ought brang them whips and chains right on down here, see. I got a cuzin Pete what got a touch o' the crazies in 'im. He big as a yetti's ma and mean like stepped on snake, could use some o' yer kinda thinkin' as it were.
And Miss Amanda, it were right touchin' weren't it? That's how it is down 'ere. You city folk got nothing on good old country lovin'. Love runs long as a Mississip' and deep as the color o' mud, roun here.
bat-caroni, lol!
Shades, what is more worrying to me is that I never found out if the horse was male or female, but I do know Leroy had to stand on something to 'reach' so to speak!!
The old joke around the barns (and regarding cows) was that all you had to do was "stand on a stool and pinch off what you need." lol
(And yes, Agvulpes, I have stepped way out of character this time. THe joke was tasting stale and, frankly, the voice was poisoning some of the actual writing I was doing today so, I'm putting my Christoph puppet on the shelf for now. So, there you go. LOL. You're stuck with regular me for a while.)
Grossss Shades, but I have given Christoph Rielly credit in my latest hub, so do take a look see !
I'mma lookin' now.
Thanks for the entertaining explanation Chris, very enjoyable. I tip my hat to ya.
You do know it's me, right Jewels? lol
Mate, I think its the tongue stuck firmly in your cheek? The reg u is good, but I see youv'e scared christoph he's trying to morph?
Yes, occasionally I wrench it free for meals, but, yeah, for the most part, you got me.
Jewels! It's not me! Come back, Jewels! Jewels! I'm straight, Jewels! Come baaaaack!
Ok guys looks like YOUV'E really torn it now!
I saw this clip on the television today and simply had to share it with you all. Evidently some animals will get even...
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=p7wmGazAd5k
Btw - this is the blurred out version. There is one out there that shows the donkey's "true intentions."
That reminds me of the typical sexual encounter with me and my wife... she being the dude in the drooping trousers and me being the unrelenting ass. lol.
Really how desperate must that ass be, that guy was really really ugly!!!!
Oh dear........ I'm confused!!
LOL Shade! So romantic!
Ain't I though?
Poor Jewels it was one of those"you had to be there" days? Even then it was confusing??????????
Shades the mind boggles!!!
It WAS confusing.
Spryte: What was that guy doing with his pants down in the first place?
ha ha ha ha...I'm laughing hysterically at this. I can barely type. LOL!!!
Good, Anna Marie, that was my hope. :)
Oh, and Christoph, I had that question too. I mean, I have to assume he was taking a leak or something, otherwise he just got some turnabout action and got what he deserved.
Well...according to the television show he was just taking a crap in the field. Might be true...might not be true...could have been a case of "Hey Bubba...I dare you to drop your drawers in front of the horny donkey!!"
Or maybe, "Hey Bubba, it's your turn."
Or maybe he just said, "Is that all you got, Bubba?"
Sighs and says Oh what fun. I wish I could have been there. Gets out his violin and plays deliverance while his bother brings out a Bowie knife to sort out Christophe (2) or (1) 's sexuality.
La La
Wow, I just found this one and I gotta say I don't know if I'm comin' er goin', not that I'd mind comin' but heck!
Shadesbreath Level 5 Commenter 3 years ago
Those are pretty strong accusations, bro. I've known Christoph for a while, I have to say, seems unlikely. But, I will say, you do have an interesting argument and your article is very similar to his.